Bye bye boobie, bye bye

I have almost completely weaned JM off the boob. Well, in fact he's been off the boob for a few weeks now, having completely refused to attach. I have a very low milk supply. His cries can directly be translated as "Take that thing away and bring me a proper meal woman!" But I've been expressing. I express about just under a bottle's worth over a 24 hour period. After 14.5 weeks I just can't do it anymore.

A bit of history first.

When I was pregnant with JA I instantly knew I wanted to breast feed. I think we are all well versed in the benefits of breastfeeding. I promptly read all the related literature I could get my hands on as I'd heard that being well informed helped to make breast feeding successful. I didn't really research bottle feeding because it wasn't what I had planned. When JA was born I wanted to put him on the breast as soon as I possibly could. From the beginning he never really sucked well but the midwives at the hospital did their level best to help me. I was put on the milking machine pretty early on as well to try and establish a supply. Afer a few days a midwife gently suggested he get a top up with formula. I asked if we could hold out a little bit longer, I didn't want to sabotage the whole feeding thing. The next day it became evident however that the poor kid was getting increasingly hungry and irritable so I relented and a bottle was delivered. He sucked on that thing for dear life. The poor thing was starving. From that moment on I offered the boob, then a bottle of formula, then expressed what was left to feed him at the next feed with the formula. While in the hospital (I was in a private hospital and stayed six days because I'd had a caesar), I made sure I gleaned as much info as I could from the collective wisdom of the midwives and saw a couple of lactation consultants. By the time I left to go home JA was definitely showing signs on not wanted anything to do with this boob caper, it was took much effort for such a tiny gain. I persisted, went to boob school (aka the breastfeeding clinic), rang the ABA (Australian Breastfeeding Association) and again saw lactation consultants. I went on maxalon and fenugreek as these have been known to increase supply. JA simply refused to attach after about a week so I formula fed and expressed. There is nothing lonelier than using a breast pump at 3 o'clock in the morning. The most I expressed in one sitting was 10mls. My supply just wasn't established and my heart breaking decision was to wean and simply formula feed. 10mls at the most of breast milk just didn't seem worth it. Weaning was not something I had wanted to do but I did it with the support of the maternal and child health nurse, the lactation consultant and my hubs. I grieved over the fact that I couldn't control this. It didn't seem fair somehow.

I found that a large number of people asked me how I fed my baby. Like it was any of their concern? I felt compelled to explain myself everytime. I got a number of strangers in parent rooms in shopping centres asking me why I was bottle feeding and didn't I know breast is best? The first time that happened I promptly burst into a fit of tears. The second time I got angry and the third time I wanted to smash their smug little face in.

When I got pregnant with JM I was committed to giving breastfeeding another go. But I was sure I wouldn't allow myself to get as emotionally invested in it as I did last time. JM took to it a lot better than JA and for the majority of the first week I was all he needed. I started to gain confidence that it may work out this time. Then things started to change. He started to get irritable and wouldn't settle after a feed. I knew what was coming. I started taking motilium, fenugreek and blessed thistle and they seemed to boost my supply. Not enought to breastfeed alone but at least he got something. I went back to boob school and back to the ABA. I resigned myself to combining boob and bottle. However, as the weeks went on I found I was comping him with breast rather than bottle and my supply was diminishing even with the herbs and medication. I get 20mls at each express now and he, like his big brother, is insulted when he's presented with the boob. Hence the decision to wean again. I am expressing but less and less each day. Soon I'll be pumping a dry well.

I loved breastfeeding. I loved the fact that I alone still nurtured my babies long after they left my body. I loved the closeness of it. I loved looking down at my gorgeous, gorgeous boys and watching them feed. But it wasn't to be.